The Most Obvious Way for Me to Grieve was to Dive In...
A friend who works in the "grief space" (as they say), asked me to write out the monthly memorials that I did to honor Neil in the first year after losing him. I did that and then I decided to turn it into this blog post.
The most important thing that I have learned about grief is that everyone gets to choose their own way to grieve and that what feels good and appropriate to me, may not work for other people. For me, the most obvious way to grieve was to dive in. I was already at sea in my grief, like a constant companion, now that Neil was gone. I didn't and still don't want to ignore my grief or the loss of Neil. I want to be reminded of him and the life we shared. I want to remind others what an incredible human he was and to tell everyone how much I adored him.
I recently told someone that the most obvious or natural thing for me to do, beyond loving him, was to memorialize him, with every opportunity I had. And, being a person who is so focused on creating community and family, I wanted to bring as many people into my memorials as I could.
Here is my story and here are the links to the digital photo albums: Monthly Memorials and the One Year Memorial.
Month 1: I was still stumbling around a lot and hadn't found a precise way to honor Neil that felt good to me. When he was in the hospital, Dorothy made us all t-shirts that read: NEIL BOYER PIT CREW-something-something on the front and #TEAMNEILBOYER on the back. In month 1 I started the tradition of wearing this shirt on the monthly memorial days. I went for ice cream and Dorothy, Nova, and I met over Zoom to light a candle and share some words and tears over Neil's departure.
Month 2: I was in Maine. I wore my t-shirt. We met at a playground and then went to McDonalds. We had ice cream, shared stories, tears, and took pictures.
Month 3: This was right after Neil's memorial service at USM. I went to a favorite location on the Merrimack River and left Neil's memory card on a small bolder and threw some flowers from his service into the Merrimack River.
Month 4: This had several different stages. I took 2 hikes with the grandkids, one was 11 and the other was 5. For the hike with the older girl, I had made a plaque that read,
NEIL - YOU WERE MY PERSON IN THIS WORLD. I MISS YOU.
For the last part of month 4, I went back to our old house in Amesbury, where Neil had built a number of arbors, including one that was 60 feet long. The current owners let me put up a plaque on that one arbor which read:
Neil Boyer built the arbors in this yard between 2009-2013. RIP 2025
Month 5: This month I focused on my yard in New Jersey, where Neil and I had built a 23-section picket fence. Neil cut 250 pickets from 1x4s to build this fence with me. I put up a plaque that reads
EMILY AND NEIL BUILT THIS FENCE IN 2023
Month 6: This is the month when things really started to take off and I wanted to do something that felt bigger and would reach more people. I put together about 10 packets about Neil that I planned to leave in a public place. They had Neil's memorial card, a $5 bill, and a note to the stranger who would find the packet, written on pink fluorescent paper. I placed these items in a pink baggie. The note read:
"Hello, Pompton Friend! Today is the 6-month anniversary since my partner passed away. He was kind, helpful, and larger than life. In his memory - enjoy this extra $5 today! May you also feel his generous spirit! Warmly, another Pompton friend."
Someone in my town posted a picture of one of my packets and this message on our town's Facebook page. It was incredibly touching to see this.
Month 7: We visited Kentucky this month, to bury Neil's ashes. I left memory cards and the wooden bookmarks all over the place in honor of Neil. A few days later, on the anniversary itself, I was back in Amesbury, and I made little paper airplanes with inspirational sayings on them. They were the kind of things that would have made Neil gag, but in fact, Neil was an inspiration to so many and lifted up so many people, that it still felt like a connection to him. I left them around the downtown when I was walking my dog.
Month 8: This was also the month of Thanksgiving. I was feeling especially grateful for the presence that Neil had in my life. I bought 8 little plastic containers with snap-on lids. I wrote a note, which I rolled into a scroll and tied a ribbon around it. I also bought 8 little, beautiful, blue stone hearts, one for each container. I placed the scroll, stone heart, and a memory card inside each one. Outside I wrote on it: "Message in a box. Please open." I started the day in New Jersey and ended it in Amesbury, MA. So, I spread them out in the states I was driving through/to. My note for this month read:
"Hello, Stranger-Friend! Today is the 8th month anniversary of my partner's death. In a week that is about gratitude and being thankful - I am so thankful for the decades we shared together. In his honor and in honor of the love we shared, please give this blue heart stone to someone you love - a parent, friend, family, teacher, partner, spouse. May you have the best possible week you can! From - a grieving person."
Someone found one of these boxes and by looking up Neil on Facebook or his obituary, found her way to me and sent me this message two months later. It's impossible to say how truly magical it feels to have strangers contact me over my grief and my honorings to Neil.
Month 9: This monthly memorial fell on Christmas Day. This was never a religious holiday for Neil and me, but we celebrated Xmas and enjoyed being with friends and family. I spent Xmas eve and overnight with some dear friends. I prepared an Xmas tin with the following items: a note from me, a star ornament, a candle, and Neil's memory card. I placed a note on the outside reading: "Hello, Stranger! Please Open!" I went for a run on Xmas morning on the beach in Maine and placed these tins on the beach, in the snow, and around Ocean Park, ME. My note inside read:
"Hello, Friend! Today marks 9 months since I lost my person in this world. In his memory and in memory of all the great loves - past, present, & future - please light this candle and hang this star somewhere that is meaningful to you. Maybe you have a day filled with light and love. From a grieving and grateful person."
Month 10: Neil spent ages 8-25 in Lexington, Kentucky. I created packets with bright yellow paper and sent them to a family member in Lexington, who left them around town. The packets contained a note from me, a wooden bookmark, a memory card, and a $1 coin. Neil loved $1 coins and felt it was his duty to use them and contribute to the U.S. mint! I sent about 10 packets to this family member and she placed them around the city, both outside as usual, but also in a coffee shop, an/used stuff antique store, etc. She placed one near an old wooden metronome and felt this was just right. She took pictures of where she placed them and sent them to me. My note inside read:
"Hello, Lexington Friend! Today marks the 10th month since I lost my person in this world. He spent his formative years in this city and lovingly recounted exploring neighborhoods on his bike as a boy - and doing outrageously dangerous things, like riding downhill while standing up on his bicycle seat or climbing to the roof of a school building at midnight, just because he could. Lexington is where he learned to be a classical musician, a career he participated in for 65 years. But, his boyhood was lonely and he could have used an "atta-boy" more times than he received it. In his memory, share this $1 coin with a child you love or who needs special attention. Lexington - thank you for helping to shape a remarkable human being. Love, a thankful and grieving person."
Month 11: Neil spent about 40 years working in, playing in, teaching in, or living in Burlington, Vermont. He loved that city and regularly mixed up the names of Burlington and Lexington when speaking. An informative, Freudian slip, perhaps! For this month, I enlisted the help of a high school friend who lives in Burlington. In advance, I bought ten $5 gift cards to a coffee shop in Burlington. I purchased them online and had them all sent to me. I prepared a packet with a note on bright, green paper and also included the coffee gift card, a wooden book mark, and a memory card. I sent these to my friend and she and a friend of hers placed them all over the city. She took pictures of where she placed them and sent them to me. She included the Music Dept at UVM where he taught, outside the offices for the Vermont Symphony Orchestra, and the like. My note inside read:
"Hello, Stranger/Friend! Today marks 11 months since I lost my person. A glorious, talented, and generous man, he spent 4 decades teaching, performing, and/or living in Burlington. He described this city as the "center of modern civilization." In this memory - enjoy a cup of coffee on me. From, a grieving and grateful person"
The Big One Year Memorial Project: I decided to enlist help far and wide for the one-year anniversary. I planned to create packets and send them to anyone, in any location in the world, who would be willing to receive a memorial packet from me and to place it in their community. I created a Google form where people could sign up and then I posted on my social media accounts that I was looking for help for this special project. If anyone was interested, please fill out the Google form. It asked for everyone's contact info, snail mail address, and provided a place where they could ask questions. I also sent this out to the email list that I had for Neil's memorial service (maybe 100 people). In the end, I had 55 people who were willing to participate. They came from 20 different states and 5 were outside the U.S. (Australia, Canada, England, Scotland, and Ireland). I prepared a packet that contained a note from me, a 1940 U.S. penny (Neil's birth year), a little metal heart pendant, a poem that I wrote, a packet of forget-me-not seeds, and a memory card. I had everyone take a picture of where they placed their packet and send it to me. My note read:
"Hello, Stranger/Friend - Today marks one year since I lost my person in this world. An exceptional man, classical musician, and teacher - he left music at his core, questioned nothing, and loved wildly. His investment in and devotion to his students was unstoppable. A complicated and impossible man, he was also the source of so much goodness and generosity. A singular person, who left a mark on everything and everyone he touched - I absolutely adored and cherished him. He is deeply missed by me and so many others. Neil - every time the sun hits my face, I think of you. Please enjoy these items and spread these seeds in his honor. From - a grateful and grieving person."
My poem:
Everything that was in the packet was anonymous, but I had another person who found his packet somehow track me down and she sent me this email. (In truth, if you Googled Neil, you could find info about his memorial service, which had my first and last name. Then she looked me up and found my email address where I work.)
What impressed me most about the one-year anniversary project was the incredible care that people took concerning where to place their packet. A friend went to the University of Louisville Music Library, found Neil's favorite piece of music, and taped it to the shelf over the score. A friend in Scotland sat on a bench and waited for the world to tell her where to place the packet. She saw a feisty squirrel, heard church bells, and realized she was sitting outside the music dept at her university. Many people chose a park bench in their neighborhood or city. Another who knew how much Neil and I loved old cemeteries, left her packet at a cemetery in her neighborhood in England. A friend who knew that Neil was a classical musician left her packet outside the Baltimore Symphony Orchestra concert hall. A former student left her packet in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina. She then stopped to rest, to look at the packet--now across the road from her, the scenes, and the world and while she did so, she saw someone come along and find/take her packet. Another friend knew the motor inn that Neil and I used to frequent near her home in the White Mountains; she left her packet on a bulletin board there. The care that everyone took to honor Neil is their own special way was touching beyond words and brings tears to me every time I think of it.
I couldn't leave enough packets in my travels and daily life. Sometimes I just left a memory card. Other times I left my poem and a heart trinket. I tied them to trees with ribbons, left them at national historical sites, tucked them under rocks in a park, left them on sculptures at an arboretum, on rail-trails and riverwalks, along hiking paths in the mountains, shoved them into a crevasse between rocks or a wall, a walkway, a flower pot... At times when I am pre-occupied with missing him, still now almost 18 months after his passing, I will pull out some of these items and leave them for others to find. How could I not continue to share this man and my love for him with the world? As I wrote in my poem, and no, I'm not a poet, for sure!
A love story to endure with endless chapters, still being written…
Now, by a single author.
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