Build It And They Will Come
I spent my 20s with my head down - finishing my undergraduate degree and then five years in graduate school until I finished my PhD when I was 29. When I wasn't studying I was being a part-time parent to Dorothy and whatever neighborhood kids were in our house, and running a Girl Scout troop. I hadn't even started jogging yet; I wasn't playing the oboe; I barely ever cooked anything beyond baked potatoes, pasta, or steamed broccoli. We had a dog and I walked him daily, but that's pretty much it. Neil only saw me when I was studying. It was an extremely focused and somewhat narrow time in my life.
I didn't invest in friendships very well. I maintained contact with some high school friends; the distance is probably what worked well because we kept in daily touch through email. I could fit that in between writing papers and even in the wee hours of the morning when I was too tired to study any more. We had friends with whom we celebrated our holidays, were friendly with our neighbors, and had the occasional nice tenant living below us, but really that was it. Once I started my post-doctoral work at the University of New Hampshire, I met some wonderful early-career colleagues who became and have remained good friends, but we all lived quite a distance from each other.
When we moved to Amesbury, I realized that I had not invested in the community that we left and as a result, I wasn't leaving behind a single close friend with whom I had regular contact. I vowed not to let this happen again. I would never live in a place for more than ten years and fail to get to know the members of my community. Shortly after our move, Neil injured himself and our lack of connections in our new community felt large and very real; we didn't know our neighbors well enough to ask for help yet, either. This reinforced my commitment to invest in the potential social connections around me.
Coincidentally, I had a new friend and colleague at work, Karen. She's unlike anyone I had ever met before. She is a naturally social being. Have you seen those science fiction-like futurists who predict that when we meet someone in the future, the mere act of being near another person will trigger an electronic exchange of contact and other important information? Karen's already living that life. I think that within 90 seconds of meeting someone she has their contact information in her cell phone. I've heard her describe my distance running to our students and she always starts and closes with, "Emily - you know she's an animal, right?" Karen is a social animal. She reaches out to people; she checks in; she complements them for their new hair-do, clothing, or smile; she processes problems in the work place, problem students, and any possible ethical dilemma you can imagine. Within weeks of knowing her, she was calling me, texting me, and sending me instant messages. Apparently what comes around, goes around because people call Karen all day long...for advice, to check in, or just to say hello. Anytime she's with me and has a call coming in and she doesn't want to interrupt our discussion, she picks up the phone and says, "Hi, [insert any name]. Are you okay?....Alright. Just checking. I'll call you back in a bit, okay? Love you." The first time I heard this, I thought there was a serious problem in that person's life. Nope. It's just that people tend to call Karen with serious problems...or no problem at all, in fact.
I watched Karen and I reflected on how I interacted with people. At the same time I was undergoing a pretty significant change in my outlook on life, brought about by being surrounded by social workers in my department...all the time....the subject of a future blog, no doubt. I saw how little I reached out to people in meaningful ways, how unforgiving I could be, and I thought seriously about what I could do to change this. So, I buckled down and took action.
I was like a child with poor boundaries. I started with meeting people on dog walks. I invited people to meet to walk our dogs together, then I invited people out to lunch, to coffee. I even tracked down a follow town resident who ran the same half marathon race as me in New Hampshire; I found her on Facebook, met her for coffee, we started running together, and now we're good friends. Then I moved onto community band where I met (and sometimes reconnected) with a host of wonderful people. I used these same tactics in the virtual world as well. Shortly after moved to Amesbury I joined Facebook and I started reconnecting with high school classmates and I reached out people, sent them notes, and started visiting when my schedule would allow. It's definitely been a learning curve and a change of focus for me, because I still have a very demanding work life, but I've learned that somehow I can make both of these elements of my life work at the same time.
What I found is that people want to have friends and they're very receptive to being approached. Not everyone has become a best friend and that's okay. That wasn't my goal, anyway. I have made good friends and I have made acquaintances. And, I keep these going in large measure the way I have seen Karen keep things going -- I reach out, I email, text, send notes or cards in the mail, I make note of birthdays, I note when someone may have had a bad day and need to vent, and I've even learned to compliment people for their successes in life and have becoming more forgiving when they are not perfect. We recently had a health scare in our family, and the outpouring from all of the people in our lives has been so humbling and rewarding. We have received visits, cards, phone calls, and goodies from so many people. I couldn't have asked for more if I had been Karen myself.
"Build it and they will come" sounds a little grand, I know. But, this, in large measure this is what it has felt like - one brick at a time, connecting and pulling together a social community , both here and far and wide. It has been life transforming and I highly recommend it to others.
I didn't invest in friendships very well. I maintained contact with some high school friends; the distance is probably what worked well because we kept in daily touch through email. I could fit that in between writing papers and even in the wee hours of the morning when I was too tired to study any more. We had friends with whom we celebrated our holidays, were friendly with our neighbors, and had the occasional nice tenant living below us, but really that was it. Once I started my post-doctoral work at the University of New Hampshire, I met some wonderful early-career colleagues who became and have remained good friends, but we all lived quite a distance from each other.
When we moved to Amesbury, I realized that I had not invested in the community that we left and as a result, I wasn't leaving behind a single close friend with whom I had regular contact. I vowed not to let this happen again. I would never live in a place for more than ten years and fail to get to know the members of my community. Shortly after our move, Neil injured himself and our lack of connections in our new community felt large and very real; we didn't know our neighbors well enough to ask for help yet, either. This reinforced my commitment to invest in the potential social connections around me.
Coincidentally, I had a new friend and colleague at work, Karen. She's unlike anyone I had ever met before. She is a naturally social being. Have you seen those science fiction-like futurists who predict that when we meet someone in the future, the mere act of being near another person will trigger an electronic exchange of contact and other important information? Karen's already living that life. I think that within 90 seconds of meeting someone she has their contact information in her cell phone. I've heard her describe my distance running to our students and she always starts and closes with, "Emily - you know she's an animal, right?" Karen is a social animal. She reaches out to people; she checks in; she complements them for their new hair-do, clothing, or smile; she processes problems in the work place, problem students, and any possible ethical dilemma you can imagine. Within weeks of knowing her, she was calling me, texting me, and sending me instant messages. Apparently what comes around, goes around because people call Karen all day long...for advice, to check in, or just to say hello. Anytime she's with me and has a call coming in and she doesn't want to interrupt our discussion, she picks up the phone and says, "Hi, [insert any name]. Are you okay?....Alright. Just checking. I'll call you back in a bit, okay? Love you." The first time I heard this, I thought there was a serious problem in that person's life. Nope. It's just that people tend to call Karen with serious problems...or no problem at all, in fact.
I watched Karen and I reflected on how I interacted with people. At the same time I was undergoing a pretty significant change in my outlook on life, brought about by being surrounded by social workers in my department...all the time....the subject of a future blog, no doubt. I saw how little I reached out to people in meaningful ways, how unforgiving I could be, and I thought seriously about what I could do to change this. So, I buckled down and took action.
I was like a child with poor boundaries. I started with meeting people on dog walks. I invited people to meet to walk our dogs together, then I invited people out to lunch, to coffee. I even tracked down a follow town resident who ran the same half marathon race as me in New Hampshire; I found her on Facebook, met her for coffee, we started running together, and now we're good friends. Then I moved onto community band where I met (and sometimes reconnected) with a host of wonderful people. I used these same tactics in the virtual world as well. Shortly after moved to Amesbury I joined Facebook and I started reconnecting with high school classmates and I reached out people, sent them notes, and started visiting when my schedule would allow. It's definitely been a learning curve and a change of focus for me, because I still have a very demanding work life, but I've learned that somehow I can make both of these elements of my life work at the same time.
What I found is that people want to have friends and they're very receptive to being approached. Not everyone has become a best friend and that's okay. That wasn't my goal, anyway. I have made good friends and I have made acquaintances. And, I keep these going in large measure the way I have seen Karen keep things going -- I reach out, I email, text, send notes or cards in the mail, I make note of birthdays, I note when someone may have had a bad day and need to vent, and I've even learned to compliment people for their successes in life and have becoming more forgiving when they are not perfect. We recently had a health scare in our family, and the outpouring from all of the people in our lives has been so humbling and rewarding. We have received visits, cards, phone calls, and goodies from so many people. I couldn't have asked for more if I had been Karen myself.
"Build it and they will come" sounds a little grand, I know. But, this, in large measure this is what it has felt like - one brick at a time, connecting and pulling together a social community , both here and far and wide. It has been life transforming and I highly recommend it to others.
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| Karen and me at commencement this May, 2014 |
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